Going back to work

Yep, I'll be going back to work Monday, August 4, 2008. I'm a little sad about it, but I think I'm ready. Not that I wouldn't love to be at home with Noelle, but I have accepted that I have to go back to work, and it's time. Plus I don't have any more leave so staying home any longer is not an option. Fortunately, my neighbor has offered to keep Noelle for a great price. The fact that Noelle will be right downstairs and I only work 15 minutes away is a blessing in itself. I just printed some of my favorite pictures of her off the computer to put on my desk. I try not to think of me missing her growing up, because even just typing it makes me sad.

My cousin said to me that at least I'll have something to look forward to in the evenings and she's right. I can't wait until I can have more time off from work to just be with Noelle. Already, I know. But in the meantime, I need to prepare myself physically (wardrobe) and mentally to go back to the daily grind. I'm kind of excited, if I'm being honest. It kind of feels like the first day of school. Haha. I spoke to my supervisor today, and I'll be busy for a while, which will hopefully help the day pass. I'm going to try not to call the babysitter too much or come home for lunch too much, but I probably will at least twice a week...until I get tired of the cost of gas to do that. LOL. Ok, I'm rambling now. Let me get back to the rest of So You Think You Can Dance.

Ciao!

Why can't we be more than her parents?

Ok, this is not a post about my life as a mommy, but my life as woman and a lover. I find myself caught in this place where I know that he's no good for me, yet there is a part of me that wishes he were the one for me. The more he's around, the more these feelings linger. And it's not like I can just tell him to not be around, because that's not fair to our daughter, but what about my feelings in all of this? I really feel like the only way for me to be able to move on is for me to move away, and needing or wanting to be away from him is really a driving factor in my consideration of relocating. I'm tired of pretending that I don't feel these things or this way, but it's more exhausting to do that. If I could just accept the fact that we don't have to be anything more than mommy and daddy to Patootie, life would be grand. The problem with that is that I never dreamed that I wouldn't be with my child's father...not to say that I figured him and I would have kids in particular, but whomever the father of my child(ren) would be, I thought we would always be a we, so I'm having a little trouble letting go. I know no one can make a decision for me and I know that there are quite a few folks who would love to shove him down a flight of stairs (ok, maybe that's extreme), but I want to be ok and have peace with WHATEVER decision I make. I could just kick myself for letting him back in our lives. I should've turned him away that day he came to see her. No, I have no idea what I'm going to do, and I'm probably setting myself up to be disappointed and heartbroken, but can I at least be happy right now?

What's so wrong with us being more to each other than just Noelle's parents?

Our First Road Trip

Well Patootie and I journeyed with my mom to Virginia Beach, VA for the weekend. It was her first road trip, and yeah, she slept for most of it both ways. The only problem was we left a little later Friday than intended and what should be a three and half hour drive, turned into six and a half! Of course I think Mom and I were more affected by it than Noelle, although she does get frustrated in her carseat after too long. That is the joy of living where we live...the traffic.

We went to visit my mom's friend, her husband, and their two dogs. We didn't actually go to the beach, but we did go out to eat at this small local seafood restaurant. The food was delicious too! Mind you that my Patootie slept most of this weekend...like she does anyway. We also went to Target, for no reason other than everyone loves Tar-jay! Oh wait, I needed diapers! LOL! I ended up spending over $150! I got a new sheet set (chocolate) and a down feather matress topper, which was the best sleep ever last night, might I add. It felt so good! We also went to look at a new condo development that my mom's friend works for and I'm seriously considering relocating, but that'll be discussed in a few more months in another post. Saturday evening, we watched Semi-Pro and the Best of Will Ferrell from SNL. He's a funny guy!

We came home yesterday and that only took four and a half hours...mom and I took the wrong beltway exit, so it added about 20 minutes to our trip. Overall, it was a nice, relaxing weekend. Nothing too exciting and my baby is so good. She didn't fuss in the car or in the house. I think she'll do fine on our trip to Georgia for Labor day.

And of course, here's a picture of patootie in her cute All-American outfit.

Ciao!

My Baby's A Month Old

Wow! Time sure does fly when you're having fun. I cannot believe that Noelle is a month old already. So far, motherhood has been very good to me. I've only had a few scary nights, mainly in these thunderstorms, but other than that, I've been ok. As far as my baby's milestones, well, she's following me with her head and eyes when I move, she's very alert when she's awake, she's feeding very well (she's gained almost 2 pounds in one month), and you can tell she's recognizing people now. She's the sweetest girl I know. I love her so much and cannot imagine my life without her. I love watching her facial expressions change when she's sleeping. She's just so darling.

So everyone keeps asking me how do I feel about being a mother and I don't know how to answer it. I feel good. I feel like this is something I was meant to do. So much of this mommy thing, I feel like it came naturally. My friend told me today that I was a good mommy, but I feel like it's too early to say that. I said I'm just giving Noelle what every human being needs; nourishment and nurturing. The testament of my mommy skills will come much later when we get into potty training, reading, writing, morality, etc...you know and those areas that build character. I just hope that I give her all she needs to be a successful woman later in life. I get nervous about things, like when she chokes or when she's grunting (which she does a lot), because I don't know if she's in pain or if she's just making noise, but overall, I'm confident in my abilities and I believe that God is watching out over me and my Patootie (yes, that's what I call her).

I have more to talk about, but that's for another post, maybe tomorrow, since I'm supposed to be resting...I'm still bleeding a bit.

Ciao!